Restored

Life Happens.

Tears are shed.

Hearts are broken. BUT

God restores!!!

Life has not been easy. I was tired but I never gave up. Maybe a moment of silence, being alone was the key to search the true meaning of my life. I am still recovering from my hurtful pasts. Still struggling from my fears. Currently healing of my physical sickness and emotional pain from my past relationships. Life goes on and on this Season that I am now God made me see not to put all of my trust in people. I trusted too much, loved too much and gave too much to the point of forgetting myself. Forgetting what I truly deserve. Now, though it was painful and agonizing the most important thing was I learned. 

God gave me strength to hold on to the life that I once have taken for granted. I committed suicide last year but God made me see many reasons why I should never give up. I have my kids and my parents..so many reasons why I should enjoy the life that has been given to me.

 If not of what I have been through I wouldn't have discovered that God has given me a talent to Paint. God has blessed me my hands to paint and now it is now one of my sources of income. This is one of my latest wall mural that I have done recently. 

I am sharing my story to all of the readers of my blog to let everybody see that there is always hope in every situation we are in. Forgiveness is never easy but as what they always say time heals all wounds but scars remain. I forgive people not because they deserve it but for me to move on. My kids are my Life and they need a loving and strong mother not a weak one. In God's time I know He will Restore Everything that have been lost. God sees everyone and everything..nothing is hidden from Him. Vengeance is not mine it's God's.

My Scars reminds me of God's Faithfulness

blank..

3.9 c.m. cyst..no financial support for my 2 kids for months because my ex-husband has already a new baby and getting married..I am so tired of people telling LIES and false promises..I am still alive and just silent..friends and past relationships---people don't change it was just their MASK finally fell off..my heart is as hard as stone..pretending to smile infront of everyone..but bleeding inside..thanks to them..WHATEVER they say--it doesn't erase the fact that I have been PLAYED😢..tired but trying to be strong..convincing myself that I can handle all these pain..until when? .. just SILENCE 😢😢

*Still here*

Hello Everyone :)

First of all..thank you for all your prayers...I am now taking my vitamins, medicines and eating the right diet my doctor has prescribed. It is not easy dealing with my sickness with all the stress of being a single mom.  My parents and I have decided for me and my kids to go home.  I am sad leaving this place but I can't find any reason to stay.  My ex husband has not already been giving the finances for my kids..my father had a mild stroke last year and four years of staying and waiting..it is time for us to go home.

I have tears in my eyes leaving this place because it was "someone's promise" that I have to let go.  Leaving behind those hurts that I had.  How can I begin and move on if I am still bitter of many things? Until now I am not yet completely healed emotionally. It says in love it takes two to tango...and with my 2 failed relationships I am blaming no one.  Maybe it was just not meant to be. It is hard because I invested and trusted my heart but in the end it was broken to pieces.  Now, I realized I have to be broken so I can be new again and be stronger on the next chapter of my life.

Even if those promises have not been fulfilled I am still grateful because God allowed a person to come into my life for me and my kids to give love and feel loved.  Staying in this place I had friends who made me realize how valuable and important I am in my real world. Blogger Friends who never left me and are still here!

Going home is a beginning of a new chapter of my life.  I have no idea what will happen..I have fears of how will I support my kids financially..what is waiting for me and my kids in our hometown..but I have faith that God will guide me specially on raising my kids. More than my troubled heart on love..my financial support for my kids future and being a mother for them is the most important thing I have to do. On love..I don't know..maybe someday?

I will have another check up..another reason why I have to go home.  My parents and clan are worried about my health..but whatever happens I am ready! My family is there to take care of my kids.  In my heart I know I have been a blessing and I have been true to everybody!

To my friends in blogger..Thank you so much for your prayers and to sis Marie who have been my sister..who have always sent e-mails since day one..thank you so much.

 Always remember  me when you see a Butterfly :)

I have to rest..Goodbye for now..don't forget to smile :)

 I'll start again go back to one
I'm running things in my way
Can't stop me now I've just begun
I'm gonna take my turn
It's time for me to
Finally stand alone, stand alone

I NEED YOUR HELP..

It has been a little while since I visited my blog. I am here TO ASK FOR YOUR PRAYERS.  I have 

a lump on my throat and I am afraid that it might be thyroid cysts or worst thyroid cancer.  I will go 

home with my kids to have a check up if I will undergo operation. As you have known me through 

my past articles you have known what I have been going through. Trials and trials come in my life

and there have been times that I want to end my life but still in every trial I found strength to fight for

my two kids. I have been annulled for 6 years now..been played, betrayed and my kids and I have 

been physically abused..now I have to undergo again another trial in my life and now my health is at

a big risk. 

But of all this trials I just cry and give up my life to God. I have no fear of dying and facing our 

Creator..my greatest fear is leaving my 2 kids whom I dearly love. I love them so much and being 

a single mom for 6 six years has not been easy but seeing my kids grow with love and kindness

is the greatest gift that I have received. That is the reason why I am here now I BELIEVE IN 

MIRACLES so my friends and dear readers PLEASE PRAY FOR MY HEALING PLEASE

FOR MY KIDS HELP ME PRAY. To all of those I have caused pain I am asking for forgiveness.

I won't be here updating my site because I need to rest but in my heart I know sometime in my life

I have been a part of your lives here in my site. 

Thank you !!!

..faith--

 

http://joeybonifacio.com/2015/08/why-does-god-allow-so-many-trials-in-my-life/

Trials test the strength of our faith in Jesus, just as gold is tested and refined by fire. “Such trials show the proven character of your faith, which is much more valuable than gold—gold that is tested by fire, even though it is passing away—and will bring praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”  1 Peter 1:7 NET

God wants us to have “Golden Faith”. Steady in the good times, committed in the bad times, trusting in our Savior and Lord, who promises to be with us even in the fire.

 

life goes on

It has been three months and my exhusband have been delaying the money for my kids. I have been texting him but the only reply I get - I have no money because of sooooooooooooo many reasons. I am getting tired of receiving the same replies and I am left of seeing my kids suffering. The deepest pain that a mother can feel is seeing your kids suffering. My kids and I have already been physically abused and now our nightmares are still clinging in our lives even if I am annulled for five years now. The money of my kids have been delayed and now it is the birthday of my eldest kid and my exhusband called but the only word he said was I am sorry but I promise to give you money when I will have my salary because I had transferred to a new job. I just don't understand how can he eat while not thinking about the situation of his kids.

I have done everything of taking care of my kids and giving them the best love that they deserve I just pray that may the Lord touch his heart to give the finances for my kids. Why can't he do his part? We have been into too much pain.

I hate promises..I have heard a bunch even from my past relationship. I guess men are just like that. They will love you when you are whole and complete but they will leave you when you are of no use to them. I don't trust men anymore. I feel sooooooooooo scared of every man..of trusting and even being friends with them.

Huh!! Now I have to be stronger or the strongest for my kids and it is not just because I love them but because I have no choice but to be strong for them because I can't even think of leaving them to their father.

My lymph nodes are also swollen and I have fears of leaving my kids..Lord please hear my cries please..have mercy for my kids..make me stronger for them!

* relief *

None of us knows what tomorrow holds. Sometimes God's will involves us walking through hurt and pain. At other times we may have to choose the path of Letting Go no matter how painful it is because we know what is right.

still hopeful

Whatever my reasons are the best armor I can do to protect my Shattered Heart is SILENCE. I always believed that in everything God allows to happen has a reason. We meet people and they come and go in our lives. One reason is to make us feel loved or to hurt us for us to learn and become stronger. Love is the best emotion a person can have but it is also the greatest pain one can experience when it is over. My heart is still shattered but not totally damaged.

God has given me this time to maybe seclude myself from the outside world. I have been serving people and thinking on how I can help someone smile and encouraging them to be strong. All of my life I realized that I forgot the most important person - MYSELF. I will still continue to touch people and to be there for them but for now that I am so down and alone I think it is time for me to learn also to reward and love myself more. 

I am slowly rebuilding my heart because I believe that there is no such thing as a shattered heart but a heart that is learning to love more and be better. Forgiving myself from my past mistakes and for allowing those people to mistreat and fool me. It is not an easy journey but with one step of faith I know my heart will heal and learn to trust and love again. I still believe in love and I have to learn it the hard way.

 

 

"Letting go of someone dear to you is hard, but holding on to someone who doesn't even feel the same is much harder. Giving up doesn't mean you are weak! It only means that you are strong enough to let go!"

I guess the best thing I can do now is to Hold on and love people silently. I have been loud at times and vocal of my feelings but now I learned that the best way to let my heart heal is to be silent and just let this love be an inspiration for me to move on and still hope that there is a road to FOREVER. To let God be in control and let love find it's way back to my heart.

Still hopeful that my heart will sing this song someday. A song I usually sang way back in my college days and until now if I just want to feel loved even without someone special with me.

 

 

healing in progress

A Broken Heart

Learns to Forgive

A Deaf Heart

Learns To Listen

A Shattered Heart

 Learns To Let Go

It is best to let go of people who doesn't want to stay in your life..those people who doesn't deserve your love..rather than keeping someone CAGED inside an unhappy and selfish relationship.

We sometimes sacrifice our own happiness for other people but at the end of the day the most Important and Priceless Reward we can give ourselves is being TRUE and Honest to Ourselves.

This is the BEST way we can get back our Self-Worth :)

 

struggle

Dear Lord,

I am here again in this same situation I was before. I feel so alone. I feel so rejected and ashamed of myself. I thought I have moved on but deep inside I am still stuck to where I used to be. Lord, I know I have many imperfections in my life. I know I shouldn't be writing in my site anymore but this is the only way I can at least cope up and share my feelings. 

I have no one else to turn too. I don't want anyone to carry my burdens anymore because in the end all of them leave. I have always been true to every people that I love. I give my full trust to only a few people but still I can't do anything but just to let them go. I can't force anyone to give back the trust and love that I give and I can't force anyone to stay in my life.

I feel so down looking at myself now. I know my life is a mess and I have nothing else to be proud of. I always fall below their expectations. But what they can only see and judge is the person outside of my being. You can see Lord the pureness of my heart. I have always been true and never did I lie to them even to myself.

Lord please help me see that there is still hope. Please heal me Lord. I am still hurting. Some people might have heard my story but they haven't felt the pain I have been through. This pain is unexplainable Lord. Please heal me..I have no one else to turn to right now. All I want is for me and my kids to be happy someday. Please guide me to the path you want me to go.

I feel so alone in this battle

Lord I am so hurt please let my pains end

 

acceptance

broken

The most painful situation for a Mom was to see your kids feeling pain again. My kids specially my younger son have developed that special bond with him. My son is always asking and have been waiting even just for a simple text or call from a person he wished to be his father.

It is 1:30 a.m. and my 2 kids are sleeping while I am here awake and waiting, hoping for someone to call. I have never felt so alone and I have never felt this much pain. My kids and I waited for three years and expected him to come. My kids love him so much and we even prepared ourselves and planned what will we do when finally their "dada" will come. But as the days go by I felt that this dream will never become a reality. I am still waiting every night for his call but he didn't replied to all of my text and mails.

 

He had been busy with his work, time and distance have made my love to doubt if he did really loved me and my kids. He told me that I was adding up to his problems and that hurt me. I said goodbye not because I don't love him but because I don't want to stress him more. Honestly, I felt not important in his life.

All I ever wanted is to give the best for my kids. I failed them again because I have not given them the "dada" they wanted. I am so damaged right now not only emotionally but me as a whole. I couldn't even eat a meal and it is like an important part of me left me suddenly in silence. It is so hard to let go of someone you ever wanted in your life but you have to because you know he will be happier.

Maybe it is true..Am I such a bad woman to feel this pain..Maybe I don't deserve to be loved..I am also soooo tired of my life..I feel so broke and alone..I failed everybody :(

** still hoping and wishing ..

Being a single mom is never easy. I am again inside my room alone with dim lights on and always with my best friends - my celphone and my lappy. This room has been my sanctuary and it holds all the secrets of my life.

I just feel so tired and I have lots of fears for my kids. As a Mom I am so worried for their future. I feel like Giving Up BUT I can't and I won't .. now that we are free from our past nightmares ..

I am still holding on because I know one day we will have our true happiness ..

I know God can hear my prayers and my every cry.

I am still Waiting and Hoping for each NEW day for US

Lord Please Comfort Me .. I love my kids so much .. Please Listen to my Prayers

 

  ..

** Silent Whispers ..

My life has always been an OPEN BOOK to everyone. I have ALWAYS BEEN TRUE AND REAL to anyone that comes my way. BUT NOW IT IS TIME TO CLOSE A CHAPTER OF MY LIFE. I have always given my TIME and LOVE to those people who deserves it. I have easily given my TRUST on a relationship even to my new friends but I STILL ended up SEEING THEM JUST COME AND GO!!!

I have always been inspiring other people to go on with their lives and be strong BUT now it is really hard for me to be strong. I CAN'T PRETEND to be someone else. I can't smile while I am hurting. I can't show happiness when I am drowning of sadness. I know LIFE GOES ON but right now my life is like an AUTUMN LEAF JUST FALLEN AND FLOWN BY THE WIND without ANY DIRECTION TO WHERE WILL THE WINDS LEAD IT TO!!!

 

 FOR NOW, I NEED ALSO TO LEARN AND SEARCH MYSELF.

To all my blogger friends I will miss you all. I decided to leave my blogging world for a while. THANK YOU SO MUCH for all of your time and friendship. I won't be around to inspire you all but each and one of you remains to have a special part in my heart.

I have always ask God..Lord I am proud to say I have been a good girl and never abused or hurt anyone but why are these things happening in my life? Why can't ANYONE JUST STAY WITH ME FOREVER? The Answer: Because MAYBE I have always been SOOOOOOOOO OPEN to people and trusted people easily. I have to say GOODBYE for now friends. My mind is so confused and I really don't know what to do. 

 

WHY IS EVERYONE EVEN GOD TESTING ME OF HOW FAR I CAN GO?

 

Right now the only one that I could trust and 

HAVE is MYSELF AND

 SILENCE. 

From now on I don't want to let anyone ANYMORE be hurt or be stressed because of the pains and problems I am going through and I won't OPEN MY LIFE to anyone anymore!!!

** On My Way Home ..

Why are humans designed to be young and beautiful and then become weak and old as time goes by? I think God has planned the strength and beauty of youth to be only physical. We gradually lose the strength and beauty that is temporary so we can focus more on the strength and beauty that is forever. To leave temporarily the physical part of us and be truly seeking for our eternal home.

Each of us may have celebrated our birthdays and we can't stop time but we all can learn to appreciate each day that God has given us. I will have my own time of facing my Creator and my physical beauty will soon fade BUT I AM GRATEFUL because I KNOW I had a CHANCE TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL LOVED, IMPORTANT AND SPECIAL.

My heart pains are getting stronger again but I chose to fight with it alone and silently .. But  I AM STILL HAPPY because with this sickness and with every second of my life I learned NOT TO FOCUS ON MY OWN HAPPINESS .. I AM JUST HAPPY because I KNOW when I will leave this earthly home I HAVE NO REGRETS .. I HAVE GIVEN ALL MY LOVE AND I HAVE MADE SOMEONE HAPPY .. WITH THIS I HAVE SERVED MY PURPOSE IN MY LIFE.

We are all ANGELS in one's life .. May we NEVER GIVE UP caring and loving. TIME may not be in our hands BUT we can choose HOW to use it while we are still here.

 Lord, I'll be forever grateful for this life that you have given me. It has been a hard journey but I am thankful because you have given me a chance to share the love you have blessed me with. Thank you for my kids, for my hon , my parents and my friends.

 

 

 To You I surrender everything because I believe in my heart you allow things to happen because it is how it should be. I have so many wishes in life but I am tired forcing it to come my way..from now on Lord I'll just "let it be" and let days just pass me by. I'll stop expecting and just be happy on each new day you have given. 

To all of my friends : Thank You for your mails and prayers. I won't be writing as often as before..I need to rest.. but I'll still be here..I'll be visiting  your sites and reading you every now and then. Thank You for being a part of my Life's Journey ;)