broken

The most painful situation for a Mom was to see your kids feeling pain again. My kids specially my younger son have developed that special bond with him. My son is always asking and have been waiting even just for a simple text or call from a person he wished to be his father.

It is 1:30 a.m. and my 2 kids are sleeping while I am here awake and waiting, hoping for someone to call. I have never felt so alone and I have never felt this much pain. My kids and I waited for three years and expected him to come. My kids love him so much and we even prepared ourselves and planned what will we do when finally their "dada" will come. But as the days go by I felt that this dream will never become a reality. I am still waiting every night for his call but he didn't replied to all of my text and mails.

 

He had been busy with his work, time and distance have made my love to doubt if he did really loved me and my kids. He told me that I was adding up to his problems and that hurt me. I said goodbye not because I don't love him but because I don't want to stress him more. Honestly, I felt not important in his life.

All I ever wanted is to give the best for my kids. I failed them again because I have not given them the "dada" they wanted. I am so damaged right now not only emotionally but me as a whole. I couldn't even eat a meal and it is like an important part of me left me suddenly in silence. It is so hard to let go of someone you ever wanted in your life but you have to because you know he will be happier.

Maybe it is true..Am I such a bad woman to feel this pain..Maybe I don't deserve to be loved..I am also soooo tired of my life..I feel so broke and alone..I failed everybody :(

** still hoping and wishing ..

Being a single mom is never easy. I am again inside my room alone with dim lights on and always with my best friends - my celphone and my lappy. This room has been my sanctuary and it holds all the secrets of my life.

I just feel so tired and I have lots of fears for my kids. As a Mom I am so worried for their future. I feel like Giving Up BUT I can't and I won't .. now that we are free from our past nightmares ..

I am still holding on because I know one day we will have our true happiness ..

I know God can hear my prayers and my every cry.

I am still Waiting and Hoping for each NEW day for US

Lord Please Comfort Me .. I love my kids so much .. Please Listen to my Prayers

 

  ..

** Silent Whispers ..

My life has always been an OPEN BOOK to everyone. I have ALWAYS BEEN TRUE AND REAL to anyone that comes my way. BUT NOW IT IS TIME TO CLOSE A CHAPTER OF MY LIFE. I have always given my TIME and LOVE to those people who deserves it. I have easily given my TRUST on a relationship even to my new friends but I STILL ended up SEEING THEM JUST COME AND GO!!!

I have always been inspiring other people to go on with their lives and be strong BUT now it is really hard for me to be strong. I CAN'T PRETEND to be someone else. I can't smile while I am hurting. I can't show happiness when I am drowning of sadness. I know LIFE GOES ON but right now my life is like an AUTUMN LEAF JUST FALLEN AND FLOWN BY THE WIND without ANY DIRECTION TO WHERE WILL THE WINDS LEAD IT TO!!!

 

 FOR NOW, I NEED ALSO TO LEARN AND SEARCH MYSELF.

To all my blogger friends I will miss you all. I decided to leave my blogging world for a while. THANK YOU SO MUCH for all of your time and friendship. I won't be around to inspire you all but each and one of you remains to have a special part in my heart.

I have always ask God..Lord I am proud to say I have been a good girl and never abused or hurt anyone but why are these things happening in my life? Why can't ANYONE JUST STAY WITH ME FOREVER? The Answer: Because MAYBE I have always been SOOOOOOOOO OPEN to people and trusted people easily. I have to say GOODBYE for now friends. My mind is so confused and I really don't know what to do. 

 

WHY IS EVERYONE EVEN GOD TESTING ME OF HOW FAR I CAN GO?

 

Right now the only one that I could trust and 

HAVE is MYSELF AND

 SILENCE. 

From now on I don't want to let anyone ANYMORE be hurt or be stressed because of the pains and problems I am going through and I won't OPEN MY LIFE to anyone anymore!!!

** On My Way Home ..

Why are humans designed to be young and beautiful and then become weak and old as time goes by? I think God has planned the strength and beauty of youth to be only physical. We gradually lose the strength and beauty that is temporary so we can focus more on the strength and beauty that is forever. To leave temporarily the physical part of us and be truly seeking for our eternal home.

Each of us may have celebrated our birthdays and we can't stop time but we all can learn to appreciate each day that God has given us. I will have my own time of facing my Creator and my physical beauty will soon fade BUT I AM GRATEFUL because I KNOW I had a CHANCE TO MAKE PEOPLE FEEL LOVED, IMPORTANT AND SPECIAL.

My heart pains are getting stronger again but I chose to fight with it alone and silently .. But  I AM STILL HAPPY because with this sickness and with every second of my life I learned NOT TO FOCUS ON MY OWN HAPPINESS .. I AM JUST HAPPY because I KNOW when I will leave this earthly home I HAVE NO REGRETS .. I HAVE GIVEN ALL MY LOVE AND I HAVE MADE SOMEONE HAPPY .. WITH THIS I HAVE SERVED MY PURPOSE IN MY LIFE.

We are all ANGELS in one's life .. May we NEVER GIVE UP caring and loving. TIME may not be in our hands BUT we can choose HOW to use it while we are still here.

 Lord, I'll be forever grateful for this life that you have given me. It has been a hard journey but I am thankful because you have given me a chance to share the love you have blessed me with. Thank you for my kids, for my hon , my parents and my friends.

 

 

 To You I surrender everything because I believe in my heart you allow things to happen because it is how it should be. I have so many wishes in life but I am tired forcing it to come my way..from now on Lord I'll just "let it be" and let days just pass me by. I'll stop expecting and just be happy on each new day you have given. 

To all of my friends : Thank You for your mails and prayers. I won't be writing as often as before..I need to rest.. but I'll still be here..I'll be visiting  your sites and reading you every now and then. Thank You for being a part of my Life's Journey ;)