"Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn't know you had, and dealing with fears you didn't know existed." ~L. Wooten
How can you forgive when you can see your kids still suffering because of someone’s rudeness and violence?
I am now crying while writing this post. Sorry friends..But I am living alone with my kids and now it is past 10 in the evening .. my kids are sleeping .. it is only just my lappy and me. I am now sitting on our sofa with lights off. My eyes are swelling and I feel totally weak inside. My heart is totally bursting with anger and I have no one to tell it too right now.
I was changing the clothes of my 3 year old before he goes to sleep. Then he suddenly cried. I asked him why baby?..He can’t utter clearly the words I have to hear but he showed me an action of a “pitik” or an act of someone who flicks his fingers on his arms and then my baby cried and cried and said “aw” or it is painful mom. I cried and hugged my baby boy so tight. My X has abused me and specially my kids physically. He would “pitik” or pushes a flip of his fingers on my baby boy’s arms until my baby boy’s arms turn red and cried.
The worst that he did was when my daughter was still 4 yrs. old he carried my daughter from down stairs and when they were upstairs he threw my daughter on our bed and then he pulled both of her arms up and down and she was screaming because her head was having bumps on our bed while being pulled up. I was crying because I was so afraid that the arms of my daughter would be injured or fractured.I was stopping him and even slapped his face but he was so strong and he was like an evil person hurting her.
He will hit her with his belt’s buckle but I immediately ran and hugged my daughter and I was the one being hit at my back. He was hurting them without the influence of alcohol or drugs.He often does it when he gets irritated and tired from work. When my daughter was 6 yrs. old I saw him attempting to hit her head with a bucket and my daughter ran inside our comfort room and I found her shivering in fear and crying..in trauma..at such a young age.There were nights when both of my kids would have nightmares because of what he has done and as a Mom it really hurts..it breaks my heart..
I was so afraid to come out in the open. I was so afraid to have a broken family. But I decided and I will stand up with my decision..I filed an annulment .. “It would BEST for me to have a broken family than my kids and me being broken in the end.”
In my previous post yesterday-reflections .. I have shared to all of you how I was treated when I was young. My Mom also physically abused me and now seeing my kids having nightmares because of a rude person that was supposed to take care of them it gave me so much pain. I was physically abused but the deepest hurt that caused me was seeing my kids suffer more than what I have been through when I was young.. he has never been a husband to me..and worst he is their real father BUT he has never been a father to my kids..he should have taken care of us but he didn't..
I am a Mom and my kids are one of my strings of life..he doesn't deserve our love..I don't want even to see a shadow of that X..I love my kids so much..I will risk my life and do everything for them..I won’t let anyone hurt them again.. NEVER again!!!
Lord, I know you are there..Please hear me..Please kindly take care of my kids..they are so precious to me..listen to a mother's cry..always be there for them..
**to all of my friends..kindly listen..this song has always inspired me to hold on**
To my kids: Don't worry and have no fear..I am here..I will always be with you .. YOUR MOM IS MUCH STRONGER NOW .. I won't cry anymore..my sadness is over
Our pains will surely pass..we will be happy..I Love You :)
