**I Was Wrong and I Learned It The Hard Way..

Do you ever looked down on yourself? I admit that I have always felt unimportant, worthless, incompetent and rejected. Most of my life I have lived inside my lonely little world and I have always locked myself from other people. I always hide myself from groups of people pretending that I am invisible and making sure I won't get noticed. If you have been my long time friends here in blogger you know my story behind why. Maybe because of the painful childhood and abusive experiences that I had. My mind was set that people often abuse me when I show kindness to them.

I often looked at myself as a "nobody" to everyone. One failure was like a big deal to my own self. Behind these emotions was me saying to myself  " I can survive by my own self and I needed no one ". I could say I am really good in auditing functions when I was working and Yes even on every persons life. I often see someone's fault so easily and say I can do it on my own. I became a person who always hate imperfections and when I FAIL my loved ones I feel worthless and unimportant.

These past few days my world turned black and I felt like I was drowning in depression again. I felt I FAILED because of all the mistakes that I have done. Depression almost killed me. I can't sleep and I had nightmares haunting me again. A black Shadow coming back and stealing my life away from me. ALL those past hurts came back even from my childhood, all those hurting words and physical abuse that I had, all those hurting words and people who have abused me, all of those painful words where ringing inside my head.

I was about to give up my life that night. I was vomiting because of depression and I couldn't eat. I just felt so alone and so Weak! Maybe all of you are saying I am so dramatic but I can't explain the damage that pain has caused into my life. I tend to Blame people of the pains that I went through. 

 I WAS COMPLETELY WRONG. I am part to blame of these pains that I had. I need a MAJOR CHANGE in my life. That same night after I prayed and asked God's help He made me see that I can't be a loner forever. That He sees me as a person of worth and of value. He uses people to make me feel and see the changes that I should do in my life. My hon always says and teaches me to stand firm and NEVER let anyone abuse me again. My HON is right, because if there ARE things lacking in my life now it is to LEARN to FIGHT and not to permit anyone to trample on me again and TO LOVE WITH ONE'S IMPERFECTIONS. My KIDS taught me UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. I have been easily irritated and angry at times but they have always been their to comfort and dry my tears when I needed them.

I am learning to be CONTENTED on what others can give and NOT TO EXPECT TOO MUCH!!!

As the days go by I can say the "REAL ME" is still healing!!! I am imperfect, each day is a learning process for me and Sie is still Growing and Hoping ;)

..My Life's Reflections* -- An answered Prayer

Her life dreams was on it's highest peak      

Beauty shines, an envy to anyone who seek      

The richness in her life found her way with ease 

Everyone gives false praise to whatever she sees.

The sun rises and falls like a curtain day by day

Faithfully doing her life's given routine each day

The tides of her busy life continues to roar

Flowing quickly with time not knowing herself anymore.

Life's tides did turn and all around her was deep darkness

She was captured by shadows of violence and caged loneliness

Earthly wealth, fame and beauty have now flown

She was neglected, trampled and left alone.

She stayed on the valley of sorrow and pain

With no one to uphold her or even sustain 

Trapped on her life full of fears and tears

Struggling for her life's freedom for many years.

In front of her mirror she sees her true self

Tears hastily falls because she was left all by herself

Realizing all those earthly pleasures are useless

Being unhappy and empty inside, life is meaningless.

She didn't wished for these things to happen in her life

All came in one unexpected day filled with painful strife

But she still prays for a simple happy life to make her whole

A life with someone to help her heal the broken pieces of her soul. 

Now her world is turning around again

Now with a new life that was given to her unexpectedly

Her gloomy dark days are gone 

God's hand moved and blessed her with another chance

She learned to surrender and cast all her burdens to Him

Now her prayers are answered one by one

Her tears have now turned to tears of joy

Her hopes and God's promises are now beginning to be fulfilled

God moves in mysterious ways and for the past few days God showed me that He answers our prayers in His due time..God has blessed me with my kids ..they have been my inspiration to hold on and hope for a better future..you have witnessed how I have survived every struggle in my life..I had thought of giving up last week but I still chose to hold on and I just cried and just surrendered all my plans to God..

Now another answered Prayer:  I will be working again next week..I have been given a chance to work and apply my auditing experience again when I worked in a bank before.. this is another proof that "God is not finished with us yet".. we all go through stages and now I believe with our faith in God..He will move in our behalf..He knows what's best for us and our hearts desire will be given to us if it is His will and in His Due time..

My life story is a testimony of His love..it happened to my life.. I'm sure it can happen to all of US..one answered prayer at a time ;)

 

P.S.. I'm so sorry if I haven't visited your sites lately..I'll be having my new job next week so I am busy packing our things..we will be transferring our residence and my kids school too..I'll be visiting you all when my kids and I are already on our new home..Thank You..I miss you all *hugs* ;)

         

..Imperfect *

I am not perfect-nobody is! All of us have flaws-we all do! But we must learn to love ourselves despite of our “imperfections.”

I sometimes ask myself on the mistakes that I have made and put myself down. "I always cry."  “I am always sick.” " I have failed so many times" "My plans didn't come my way" but thinking again and again .. Sometimes I was being so hard on myself !

Certainly there may be things in my life that I was not happy about; and there are some habits that I need to break. I have many mistakes done in my past but I learned to focus and remember that regardless of these flaws that I had, God is not finished with me yet. In every mistake that I had I know it is a part of the process of God changing me.

Through out our lives, God is continually shaping and molding us into people He wants us to be. Each of us are going through our own journey and we should not be discouraged about our past or present while we are in the process of being "completed."

Each of us has great value. What we have to do is to stop dwelling on our faults and give ourselves a break. Every person has his own weaknesses. "We may think there is a lot wrong with us, but there is also a lot right with us."

“We may think we’ve got a long way to go, but we need to look back at how far we’ve already come. We may not be everything of who we want to be, but at least we can thank God that we’re not what we used to be.”

"No matter how difficult my life is now..I am blessed..I believe all these pains will surely pass and God will fulfill His promises in my life in His time" 

..Tagged -Fida- *

This is another tag post my friends..I have been tagged recently by my friend Fida. I have known her for only a short while but I was amazed on how strong her faith is. She always inspires me through her writings and on the journey of her life. She is a cancer survivor and I know it is not an easy path for her and her family but she stood strong and her sickness never stopped her to share love and happiness to everybody she meets. You can visit her site (Live, Laugh, Love )..So here are my answers to her tag questions

• Do you have a pet?

~ I have no pets yet but I would like to have a golden retriever dog in the future

• What makes you happy?

~ waking up each day thanking God that I am alive..to see my kids smiling back at me..when my kids hug and kiss me..when I see a big smile on their face when I cook their favorite food..when I tickle them....when I have made someone smile or inspired even through my site..and just having the thought of having a happy and complete family in the future makes me happy..I have many reasons and this page won't be enough to say the things why I am happy ;)

~ knowing the person reading this post makes me happy..oh look your smiling.. hihihi ;)

• Describe LOVE in 3 words

~ Unconditional, Trust, Respect .. for me these are the three most important virtues for love to last

• What is your favorite food?

~ I love shrimp tempura or any shrimp dish..I also love soups specially crab and corn soup, pasta and all vegetable dishes. 

• What did you had for dinner last night?

~  I cooked Chopseuy.. it is a vegetable dish in our country..just saute carrots, green beans, young corn, brocolli or cauliflower, cabbage, red bell pepper then add oyster sauce and top it with shrimps..dinner is ready *blink*

• What is your guilty pleasure?

~ I love eating chocolates..though some say it is not good for my heart except for dark chocos..I love Lindt swiss chocos or Maltesers..sometimes when I like to treat myself I eat them when my kids are sleeping ssssshhhhhh..

• What are you carrying in your handbag?

~ I have my wallet, coin purse, keys, medicines for my heart and allergy, cellphone, face powder, lip gloss, perfume, wet ones, comb

• What color do you wear most often?

~ I usually wear white..I feel clean and fresh when I am wearing white shirt or dress.

• 5 words that best describe yourself

~ Honest, Hopeful, Understanding, Patient, Caring

I have answered your questions Fida..I know I must have included 11 facts about myself and since you are one of my new friends here I decided to share to you my real life story..kindly read my previous post ( Answered Prayer - Journey to my Home) to know me better..to all of my friends thank you for reading again *hugs* ;)

* Holding On..

 

 Darkness  is  gathering  all  around

Searching for true peace to be found

Confused souls crippled with fear

Facing troubles seems near

Standing up again

After each fall

Full of hope

To cope

Life

✿

 ✿✿✿

 ✿

Tired

Scuffling

But Hoping

Still Holding On

Wishing  To  See  Light

On our path's darkest night

Trusting our plans to His will

Never   giving   up  on   our   lives

For in His presence we can be still

 

 Special Thanks to:

Princess Fiona @ The Princess Passions

Nonet Poem (hour glass) following with syllable   

counts per line of: 9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9

♥ We are all humans and all of us grows weary and tired of our life's ups and downs BUT it doesn't mean we are giving up..through His guidance and because of LOVE we will always regain our strength back..holding on full of Hope and Joy in our Hearts ♥

*Tagged-Dana..

   This is my fourth tag for this week and the questions came from Dana of (Dana's Diary Secrets ). Dana is one of my younger sis here. I am always amazed on how she practices her faith and on how she has always opened her heart to people. She is a girl who wishes to have a pious husband someday which I know she deserves to have one. She has always been true and never hesitates to express her real feelings through her short articles, poems and yes she is an artist. You will just be amazed on how she expresses her emotions through her paintings. She has been one of my friends here whom I can lean on. So ok here are my answers to her questions:

•  What is your favorite drink?

~ I love drinking fruit shakes..and my favorite is watermelon fruit shake..when I was still working in a bank I don't usually drink coffee in the morning..ok unusual but I drink green mango fruit shake hehehe..a little bit sour and sweet and cold..if it is not available any fruit shake or cold juice will do..I don't know maybe just to wake up my sleeping mood before I work.

•  Work or School?

~ Now I am enjoying my time with my kids..I am a hands on Mom so my work..oh I cook, do the dishes, wash our clothes, iron oh well I am busy all day hahaha..and I have no salary but I am so happy just spending time and giving all my love to my two kids ;)

• What would you like to achieve in year 2012?

~ I have been an achiever before but honestly for now I am just enjoying my time with my kids and my hon..I have no definite plans but if given a chance and it will always depend on the situations that I will be in..I would love to work again in a bank..I was a bank teller before and supposed to be promoted as a branch cashier but I have to give up my career that time so if time and my health allows *blink* I would love to work again.

• Do you drive a car?

~ No oh no I won't..it is a scary thing for me..I don't know but I get dizzy just riding a cab going to a mall..I had some vehicular accidents before so I am so nervous even just riding a car.

• Which season do you like best?

~ I love Spring..one of my wishes in life is to go to Japan one day and walk on a park full of cherry blossoms..it will be a dream come true for me ;)

• Do you like politics?

~ No I don't like politics

•  What do you blog mostly about?

~ I usually blog about my life experiences that my friends can be inspired of..just being a living testimony to everyone ;)

• What do you believe in?

~ I have always believed in God's purpose in my life. I have been through rough roads but still I believe every experiences that I have been through has an important role in my life. Maybe I can't see it now and maybe for me my life has been painful but for others it served as a light to them - letting them see even through my writings that there is hope no matter what situation we are in. Though we may not see or feel..God is always there listening to our every cry and when the right time comes we will see that we have served His purpose through our life's journey.

• What are your goals for your future?

~ One of my dreams for my future is for my kids to have a good father..they have been into too much pain and as a Mom my one simple goal is to have a happy and complete family..then the rest of my goals will just follow! I am a simple woman and I don't asked much just having my own happy and complete family will do!

• How do you spend your day?

~ I spend my day..wake up every morning smiling and thanking God for giving me another day, sending and receiving text messages from my hon whose miles away hihihi, cooking for my kids, doing household chores, playing with my kids, answering comments on my site while eating fresh fruits, oh I almost forgot taking baths, toothbrush my teeth 3 to 4x a day hahaha.. then at night I visit my friends sites and say good night often to sis Marie because she has new post every night just in time before I talk to my hon on phone..then I pray before I sleep hehehe..

yehey sis Dana I already finished my homework..I hope you all enjoyed reading my answers..see you on my next tag post..I have two more uha uha uha ;)

*Tagged -Izdiher-..

Hello everyone..before I give my answers to the eleven tag questions, allow me first to introduce to you Izdiher..one of the qualities that I like about her is..she has always been fearless in sharing her thoughts on fashion, politics, showbiz, anything under the sun name it..she just writes her honest opinions on her site (! -Izdiher- !)..two words to describe Izdiher..she is Frank but Sweet..so here are my answers to her questions:

• You look like?

~ I am half Chinese and half Filipino so I look like her when I was young hihihi *blink*

• You live like?

~ I have a simple happy life with my two kids..waking up everyday and just enjoying my time with them, at night I talk to my hon on my phone..so this is my daily routine ;)

• Where are your keys?

~ My keys are always inside my bag.

• How much money do you have in your pockets at the moment?

~ I am answering your tag questions sis Izdiher before I go to sleep and I have no pockets now so I have none..it is inside my bag too hehehe ;)

 

•  You love those places where?

~ I love places where flowers bloom and places with white sand beaches

• Where is Africa?

~  Africa is situated south of Europe, and west of Asia. It is bordered on its north coast by the Mediterranean Sea, and the Red Sea separates Africa from Asia. 

• You are hooked to?

~ I am hooked to learning more on cooking, reading inspirational books and photo editing

• What came first egg or hen?

~ Hen came first because God created animals first and egg is just a product of it's existence..oh ok that's my own opinion ok ;)

Why Zebra wears striped dress?

~ I would love to see a real Zebra and ask why hahaha..they have stripes all over because they are created in such a unique way..everything is created with it's own unique design and personalities.

• Why is the sun yellow?

~ Our sun is really color white but from the surface of the Earth it may appear yellow because of the atmospheric scattering of blue light. I just researched it hehehe.. I would love to see the sun color yellow and couldn't imagine seeing it color pink or blue *blink*

Thank you for reading friends..see you on my next tag post *hugs*

 

**Tagged -Confused Soul-

 

      I have been tagged many times this week so friends this week my posts will usually be on my answers to the different tag questions from some of our friends..oh ok I'll be exposing more of my real self again..don't worry I won't be passing on the tag questions..it has always been a habit for me since I started blogging to answer only the said questions and not passing it to others..we belong at least to same group of friends so I know same people have been tagged too..Ok here we go First Stop:

    
  I am tagged by one of the girls whom I have always called a versatile writer..Confused Soul..this is her site ( A Walk Across The Bridge )..she can write poems, write stories which I first thought it was her real life story but then she says it was just fiction..a story out of her imaginations and huhuhu..I was really into her stories because I just thought it was for real..Confused soul is also a girl who is fearless in saying her honest thoughts on life and love..I really admire her way of grasping the thoughts of her readers..oh ok just getting you stuck on her mindset through her written skills..ok time to answer her questions ;)

•      What is your biggest fear?

~ My biggest fear is leaving my loved ones behind..I am not afraid to die..my fear is leaving my kids at such a young age..I have heart failures so this has been my prayer everyday..to have extra long life for my kids and love ones.

•      If you were to choose between trust and understanding, which would you give more importance and why?

~ I would choose trust. For me, when you trust someone all comes with it. With trust comes understanding and acceptance.

•      Would you be ok if your partner cheats on you and then admits it?

~ If my partner cheats on me then he doesn't deserve to be my partner..I have been cheated many times and cheating doesn't only mean getting him caught on act but it includes having lustful thoughts and desires for other women..even seeing him flirting is already cheating for me..this is one thing a man shouldn't do if he wants me to be his wife..I have always been faithful but when I see him flirting with other women then my doors are closed permanently..I don't even mind if he admits it or not..on love, once my trust have been broken it can't be rebuild again.. grrrrrrrrrr..

•      If genie granted you three wishes what would you asked for?

~ I wish for a longer life..more days to be with my kids and love ones so I would have a chance to be with my new, happy and complete family! I wish for happiness and peace for everyone..our world is full of chaos and killings are everywhere..I just wish that may all of these stop and may all of us live in unity and peace! My last wish..whatever happens..may my kids, my husband to be and all my love ones be guided by God's love.

•      Love or Money?

~ Love, Love, Love

•      What's your biggest regret?

~ I had a painful past and I had many regrets before..but looking now I have two cute lovely kids so I think I would have no regrets of passing through that painful path before..it led me to whom I have now ;)

•      State 3 good things about myself?

~ I am a simple woman who can easily be pleased..I always have a cheerful heart and I always share this happiness to other people..I always have a child like personality inside me

•      State 3 negative things about myself?

~ I am a crying baby..I tend to look down on myself or often times feel inferior..I don't easily give my trust to people anymore!

 

•      What is your favorite movie?

~ Ice Castles ..it is a love story..you can kindly search it if you are curious hihihi ;)

•      Current relationship status

~ I am now single but not available..I am happy being a single Mom of two kids ;)

   

Ok I have answered your questions Confused Soul..I hope all of you enjoyed reading it..to sis Dana, sis Izdiher and Ms.Wan..I'm still answering your tag questions..you're on my next posts..so see you all again on my next series of answering our friends tag questions  *blink*

**My heart's journey..

Once on my life's long journey

I was raised with all of my life planned

A tool to be perfect was always on my hand

Grasping every learning chart that come

Following what they want me to become.

Transforming me to be a river flowing clean

Bringing forth a perfect daughter to be seen

Everything that I did by myself was wrong

They made me believe it was for me to be strong.

Growing up with my soul on a dusty shelf

Looking down so small on myself

Waiting for my happiness giving stream

To quench my thirst of my life reviving dream.

Now as I turn my life pages

I saw what I lost in ages

Clouded with dark tomorrow's fears

Endless pouring down of my weakening tears.

Once I stumbled on my wishful dream

But my hope for love never failed to beam

I thought darkness took my chance

But he came in an unexpected glance.

Though I was imperfect and torn in his eyes

But still he loved me and listened to my cries

He melted my soul full of frozen fears

Locked my heart with his love for years.

Though all was unplanned in my kingdom

Through imperfections I had my freedom

I had failures on my hurtful dark past

But still I believe for destined love to last.

I have also my dreams to love forevermore

To build a home with him on a happy shore

Never to see again a painful cloud in our sky

No more shadows and tears to dim my eye.

                                                                ✿Sie✿

 

weeeeeeeee..this is the cutest video I have ever seen..I am in cloud 9..love love love ;)

image source: blingee and photobucket.com

..Tagged-Clai-*

I was tagged by one of my younger sis in blogging and since she is so close to me I couldn't escape to answer her tag questions and expose more secrets about my real self..But before doing this I would like to introduce to you Clai ~ this is her site~..she is also a Filipina like me and she has been one of my closest friends..the best quality that I like about her..she is so honest and fearless in sharing her inner views on love and life..a typical simple girl experiencing her ups and downs in life through her road of maturity. She has always treated me as her Ate (older sister) and listened to my advices..I hope those are right advices huhuhu..so Clai here are my answers to your tag questions ;)

• How did you survived High School?

~ High school is one of the toughest times of my life. It was the time when all that I did was very well guarded by my parents. I was not allowed to wear my own clothes because my Mom would choose and I would wake up with my clothes hanging on my closet. I was not allowed to have friends. It was the time I was bullied in our school because I was so thin and pale. I even experienced some girls spitting on me while I was walking on our corridor and I was studying in an exclusive school so I never expected to be treated that way. How did I survived? Maybe because I never gave up on my dreams. Even if my classmates laughed and mocked me I never made it a hindrance to whom I wanted to be and just focused on my studies.

• What and where is your ideal date?
  
  ~ My ideal date..just walking with my husband to be on a beach..singing songs together from sunrise till we see those stars twinkling at night is a romantic date for me..anywhere would do as long as I'm with him all my days would be perfect.

• Do you prefer a surprise wedding proposal? Why?

• ~ It will be more exciting to receive a surprise wedding proposal..any woman wants it for sure *blink*

 

• What is your favorite channel? Why?
  

~ I always love to watch Discovery channel since I was a kid..I am always into Science and I love reading National Geographics books while I am inside my father's office before.

• What do you think about long distance relationship?

~ I am in a long distance relationship right now..honestly it is a bit hard because you have a limited chance to be with the person you love but distance can't stop two loving hearts that are destined to be together. Some say there are few chances for a long distance relationship to last but for me who is in it now I could say it will always depend on those persons building a relationship. As long as love and trust is there, a long distance relationship can lead to forever.

• What was your greatest achievement so far?

~ I had the best career before but now I can say being a mother of my two cute kids is my greatest achievement.

• What do you think about interracial marriage?

~ I have a friend who is in this type of marriage and I could say it is a bit hard because both should understand and adjust to each other's cultures, introducing their own ideas and customs. However, race for me has never been a question to someone who loves.

• What do you think are the causes of infidelity? 

~ I think each individual has their own personal reasons..but the way I see it..because they don't love the person whom they are with..but then again I am also human and I never judged anybody ;)

• Do you think the world will end this year 2012?

~ No, the world won't end this year..and wahhhhhhhhhhhhhh..no no no..many people have predicted that this year our world would end but I am not really focusing on it..I have heart failures and I can go anytime so the best thing I can do now is to focus and cherish each day that I have with my love ones.

• What is love?

~ My own definition of love is when..someone learned to accept who you are including your past and imperfections..it is loving without any conditions of receiving same love in return..just holding on and waiting because you know his promises won't be broken..just letting go of those expectations and holding on to the love that you have promised because I love him so ;)

I have done my assignment sis Clai..Thank you for reading ;)

I just finished my daughter's reviewer for her exam so..I'll sleep now hihihi ;)

Let us all have a Happy Sunday everyone *hugs* ;)