Do you ever looked down on yourself? I admit that I have always felt unimportant, worthless, incompetent and rejected. Most of my life I have lived inside my lonely little world and I have always locked myself from other people. I always hide myself from groups of people pretending that I am invisible and making sure I won't get noticed. If you have been my long time friends here in blogger you know my story behind why. Maybe because of the painful childhood and abusive experiences that I had. My mind was set that people often abuse me when I show kindness to them.
I often looked at myself as a "nobody" to everyone. One failure was like a big deal to my own self. Behind these emotions was me saying to myself " I can survive by my own self and I needed no one ". I could say I am really good in auditing functions when I was working and Yes even on every persons life. I often see someone's fault so easily and say I can do it on my own. I became a person who always hate imperfections and when I FAIL my loved ones I feel worthless and unimportant.
These past few days my world turned black and I felt like I was drowning in depression again. I felt I FAILED because of all the mistakes that I have done. Depression almost killed me. I can't sleep and I had nightmares haunting me again. A black Shadow coming back and stealing my life away from me. ALL those past hurts came back even from my childhood, all those hurting words and physical abuse that I had, all those hurting words and people who have abused me, all of those painful words where ringing inside my head.
I was about to give up my life that night. I was vomiting because of depression and I couldn't eat. I just felt so alone and so Weak! Maybe all of you are saying I am so dramatic but I can't explain the damage that pain has caused into my life. I tend to Blame people of the pains that I went through.
I WAS COMPLETELY WRONG. I am part to blame of these pains that I had. I need a MAJOR CHANGE in my life. That same night after I prayed and asked God's help He made me see that I can't be a loner forever. That He sees me as a person of worth and of value. He uses people to make me feel and see the changes that I should do in my life. My hon always says and teaches me to stand firm and NEVER let anyone abuse me again. My HON is right, because if there ARE things lacking in my life now it is to LEARN to FIGHT and not to permit anyone to trample on me again and TO LOVE WITH ONE'S IMPERFECTIONS. My KIDS taught me UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. I have been easily irritated and angry at times but they have always been their to comfort and dry my tears when I needed them.
I am learning to be CONTENTED on what others can give and NOT TO EXPECT TOO MUCH!!!
As the days go by I can say the "REAL ME" is still healing!!! I am imperfect, each day is a learning process for me and Sie is still Growing and Hoping ;)