Tuesday, June 5, 2012

**I Was Wrong and I Learned It The Hard Way..


Do you ever looked down on yourself? I admit that I have always felt unimportant, worthless, incompetent and rejected. Most of my life I have lived inside my lonely little world and I have always locked myself from other people. I always hide myself from groups of people pretending that I am invisible and making sure I won't get noticed. If you have been my long time friends here in blogger you know my story behind why. Maybe because of the painful childhood and abusive experiences that I had. My mind was set that people often abuse me when I show kindness to them.

I often looked at myself as a "nobody" to everyone. One failure was like a big deal to my own self. Behind these emotions was me saying to myself  " I can survive by my own self and I needed no one ". I could say I am really good in auditing functions when I was working and Yes even on every persons life. I often see someone's fault so easily and say I can do it on my own. I became a person who always hate imperfections and when I FAIL my loved ones I feel worthless and unimportant.


These past few days my world turned black and I felt like I was drowning in depression again. I felt I FAILED because of all the mistakes that I have done. Depression almost killed me. I can't sleep and I had nightmares haunting me again. A black Shadow coming back and stealing my life away from me. ALL those past hurts came back even from my childhood, all those hurting words and physical abuse that I had, all those hurting words and people who have abused me, all of those painful words where ringing inside my head.

I was about to give up my life that night. I was vomiting because of depression and I couldn't eat. I just felt so alone and so Weak! Maybe all of you are saying I am so dramatic but I can't explain the damage that pain has caused into my life. I tend to Blame people of the pains that I went through. 


 I WAS COMPLETELY WRONG. I am part to blame of these pains that I had. I need a MAJOR CHANGE in my life. That same night after I prayed and asked God's help He made me see that I can't be a loner forever. That He sees me as a person of worth and of value. He uses people to make me feel and see the changes that I should do in my life. My hon always says and teaches me to stand firm and NEVER let anyone abuse me again. My HON is right, because if there ARE things lacking in my life now it is to LEARN to FIGHT and not to permit anyone to trample on me again and TO LOVE WITH ONE'S IMPERFECTIONS. My KIDS taught me UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. I have been easily irritated and angry at times but they have always been their to comfort and dry my tears when I needed them.

I am learning to be CONTENTED on what others can give and NOT TO EXPECT TOO MUCH!!!

As the days go by I can say the "REAL ME" is still healing!!! I am imperfect, each day is a learning process for me and Sie is still Growing and Hoping ;)


35 comments:

  1. Take time to heal, Sie. It's a long process but in the end a fruitful one. Keep thinking positive. God bless you.

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    1. Hello Balqis ;)

      It is a long process and I am glad I am getting there..I maybe slow and I have fallen and failed a lot of times but still I am hoping and holding on..thank you for still being there on my journey and for being a friend ;)

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  2. Hi Sie! I learn this ...if I want to feel happy..I don't have so high expectation..have a nice day dear! Hugs!!!!

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    1. Hello Rina ;)

      Yes I agree..I have seen myself a failure because I also have expected too much from myself..I am happy now because I am willing to Change..thank you Rina *hugs* ;)

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  3. You are worthy, important and loved. All those past hurts does not define you. It's not your fault. It's not their fault too. They did all that because that's all that they know to do.

    Leave the past behind and never look back. You have two lovely children and the love of your life. They only thing left for you to do is to love yourself more and more each day. Despite everything, you are a human being and have every right to be here on God's earth because He puts you here.

    Don't ever, ever think less of yourself. People can think whatever they want to think - we can't control that. But what you think of yourself is important. Let them be good, beautiful and meaningful.

    Love and hugs.

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    1. thank you Ate Asni..you're right Ate *hugs*

      How can I give all my love if I don't even know how to love myself?

      I am still learning to love also myself Ate..your right I need also to change the way on how I look on myself..I have seen myself as worthless and unimportant that's why I fail to see those persons who have always be there loving me..

      I feel too fragile Ate..one mistake or another pain can cause me really to breakdown..honestly I have given love, time and too much understanding to my love ones and I had nothing left for myself..your right Ate I should try to Love and Fix myself from now on so I can give the truest love I can give ;)

      Thank you so much Ate *hugs* ;)

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  4. Yes! i agree with you on that-- "...each day is a learning process.."
    That is so true miss Sie.

    Life might get tough, for yourself and your kids' sake, be BRAVE! Let your past be part of history. It might be hard for you to forget all those hardships you have gone through but at least you've learned something from it. One mistake is enough.

    We are always here, your thoughtful blogger friends,whom you could count on to. To comfort and uplift you in the darkest moment of your life.

    Move on dear Sie!Do what you can, God will do the rest. ❀◕ ‿ ◕❀

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    1. Hello Jela ;)

      I have moved on Jela but something recently happened..I was about really to give up my life..it was so painful letting go of someone because I just thought he deserves someone better than me..time and again I have said I am much older and I have two kids and I was doing things to make him see that I am not worthy of him..but this really damaged me and letting him go instead of waiting made my whole life crumble..

      My hon and I are ok now and I realized some people are really destined to be together..maybe I can see myself us not deserving in his eyes because I have always looked so low on myself..it is the reason why God made my hon and I meet because we were stronger with each other..

      One step at a time and I know soon my heart's desire will be given..thank you for your encouragement and visit Jela ;)

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    2. Everything happens for a reason. Hold on!. Things will be just fine. Maybe, your right. Both of you may not be meant for each other. Will there still be chances of you to fall in love again?

      My pleasure Sie to visit ;-)

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    3. my hon and I are soooo ok now Jela ;)

      in every trials that come our way, in every fights both of us are stronger and more in love in the end..I am blessed to have my boyfriend now..he is much younger and he loves my kids so much which really made me more blessed with his love..both of us went through a hurtful past but it made us more closer and stronger for each other..the right time will come I know when we will both finally meet..ah ok we are on a long distance relationship so it will take more time for me to wait for him to go here..but I will be waiting for that day ;)..thank you Jela ;)

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    4. Thank you?? Don't mention it. heheh. THat's the least I could do.

      hon sounds so sweet!. I envy you. ehehehehe..
      Oh well! I'm happy for you ;-)

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  5. hi sie, dragging your past with you will hurt you even more, especially when they are your family. I think you have kept this in you for a long time...now, you let go.. keeping it will not benefit anyone. Dont ever indulge in self pity, it will make you depress and weak.
    'Think positive, you have brain and beauty, you will make it. Dress well, you will get the attention... light up your world, it will do you a lot of good. i am sincere with my advice sie. cheers and have a nice day...take care sie.

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    1. Thank You so much Wan..I am doing everything but time and again when something happens I really breakdown..honestly ok I have been diagnosed to have two psychological disorders and I am still into recovery right now..

      You are right I will make it and I am willing to Change my mind set and really getting Healed this time..

      From now on I will All do things planned and cautiously..

      I want to be happy Wan and these will only come when I am Free from my own self fears..

      Thank you so much for your advice and for visiting Wan *hugs*n ;)

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  6. Last line is for me, just put my name instead of yours... :)
    And don't forget to visit my blog ever... :P --> Stay Blessed

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    1. Hello Asma ;)

      We can do it Asma..all of it is a part of our lives..thank you for your visit ;)

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  7. Sis Sie... Always love ourselves first before loving others.. If we don't love ourselves enough, how can we expect others to love us more? And we can't have too much of expectations in love because it'll always end with disappointments.. We must accept our partner just the way they are.. just like how we want them to accept us :)) God always plan something beautiful for us, it's just the matter of time..
    Our life is a journey.. we learnt from experience and still learning.. to be HAPPY! Make your life sweet and beautiful.. :)

    XOXO!

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    1. I can't agree more sis Fida..that's what's lacking in my life..I didn't give enough time for myself..I was so centered giving love and time to others and in times that I fail them my spirit and whole world crumbles..

      I am learning sis Fida and with love..yes I NOW learned..in loving with it comes accepting each others imperfections..I have always said this again and again but now it is time for me to DO IT and apply it with whom I am with now ;)

      I am still learning sis Fida and now I am really determined to Change for the better..not only for my own happiness but for the persons who have waited to see me as contented and happy..

      thank you for sharing sis Fida *hugs* ;)

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  8. I'm glad to hear that you're always on the right path Sis, I know and we all know that you deserve to be happy , to love and be loved.. Our life and everything happen on it is one way to learn,..to grow.. to be a better one.. and much more.. to feel and know who really are..

    I love this post! More hug sis..:) Keep going!:)

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    1. Hello Ate ;)

      each day I am learning and with growth and maturity comes hardships and persecutions to make us stronger and expose the real person inside us..your right Ate to be a better one..

      Accepting our faults and embracing change for a better and new "you"..that's my life's motto now..and I really have decided to make my path more focused and determined!

      thank you for your visit ;)

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  9. I don't know personally ,sie but as much as I know you are so beautiful. so caring . So lovely like a rose.

    I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
    kick some ass, and have fun:)

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    1. Hello sis *hugs* ;)

      thank you for your lovely words sis..love you too sis and thank you for always encouraging me and making me smile ;)

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  10. Dear Sie, unfortunately your past will never leave you but you have to see that he made the wonderful person you are now.

    To start you have to look at yourself with indulgence, you have to learn to love yourself. You are a beautiful young woman and you did not deserve the hardships your went through. They happen and You moved away from them, you grew stronger and you made the choice to start again, to offer your kids and you a chance to have a better future. It's not nothing. It's brave Sie.

    You deserve Love, Joy, Happiness. God brought you there Sie and will never leave you, even in darkness and even if you don't feel him here. Hold on to this belief that you DESERVE something good, go and catch every little moment you can.

    Sending Love Ate Sie. Maybe some people will continue to judge you badly but when inside you know your worth nothing else matters. xxxxxxxx

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    1. My tears are falling sis..in my real life no one knows what I am going through now..I am afraid to let anybody know because I don't want to add up to there stress and own problems in life.

      I am just speechless reading your words sis Marie and crying..I have looked so down on myself for years and now I have fears of having another pain in my life. I feel like walking in a thin glass..one crack and I'm falling to a dip pit through which I don't know if I can survive.

      I am hiding my true emotions sis in my real world..I can be tough outside but inside I am so weak and every hurting word is damaging me slowly ;(

      thank you for understanding me sis Marie..thank you for being my sister..

      I'll get through this..healing will take time and as we both always say it is a process..thank you so much for being with me..love you sis Marie ;)

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    2. Don't feel ever weak in fromt of me. I went through hardships too and some days I feel so sad and I want everything to end because it seems too hard. And then one word, one smile and I start again.
      It feels like all my world is colapsing around me, so I can start again for something even better.
      I am with you Sie and I understand your words. And I don't feel more sad, I just ask God to be there for you and heal your pain.
      If you can't talk to friend who can you talk to dear. I am here you know, even with all this distance, you are in my heart always Sie.
      xxxxxxxxx

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    3. thank you sis Marie..I am just feeling so afraid and deeply hurt that night..but I am now feeling stronger than ever..my kids, my hon and you and all my friends are here to let me see and feel that I am not alone..you're right sis Marie it is for me to start something a better and I must feel broken to let me embrace change for a new a better me ;)

      Thank you so much for being my sister sis Marie *hugs* and much love from me and my kids ;)

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  11. I got worried reading the first half of your sharing but after going through till the end, I am so glad you picked up yourself. I wish I can be there for you Sie but we are so far away. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes, feeling very down and regretting what we did. We cannot turn back time and like all the positive sharing you have done before, its about LOOKING FORWARD AND MOVING ON.

    Read back some of the positive words you have shared with us and that will cheer you up. Take care Sie.

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    1. thank you so much Ms.Nava..that is so sweet of you..I know you went through tough times also and looking at you now I know I will have it too..honestly I just can't describe the pain..I almost lost hope of waiting for my life to be bright again..

      I need a major repair in my life and in my thoughts now..I have been hurt many times and I have fears of being hurt again..I just couldn't bare another one!

      From now on I will be more focused on moving on..it won't be easy I know but I believe soon this road full of thorns will end..

      I will take care of myself Ms.Nava..my kids needs me..I am a Mom and will always be..I am holding on because of them!!

      thank you Ms.Nava and I really appreciate your friendship ;)

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  12. Ms.Sie Past is history , future is mystery but present is a gift so forget whatever happen in your past don't let it enter in your life again and enjoy your time with your hon and two little cute kids :D ........... tc!!!!

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    1. Hello Sudhi..all came back because something happened recently..but your friend and I are ok again..just feeling hurt of almost losing him..I realized he has been an important part in my life and my kids love him so much..you know your friend and I..like kids sometimes *blink*..take care Sudhi and thank you for your visit ;)

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  13. Thank you for this powerful and transparent post!!! It has so much good teaching in it- and you have been humble to use your life as the tool of teaching. Thank you!! I'm joining you in prayer- for all of us who read this - to lean on God to do the necessary transformation work in our lives.

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    1. Hello Ms.Anjuli *hugs* ;)

      I had too much pain Ms.Anjuli but I won't let it hinder my purpose in life..to touch one's life and be a living testimony to each person that comes my way..thank you so much for your prayers Ms.Anjuli..God knows the best for us..thank you for your visit and kind words ;)

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  14. You are a fighter and you'll continue to work towards betterment of your life. What is worth applauding is that you are accepting of your mistakes. There are people who continue to hide their inefficiencies, lying to themselves but you have recognized your faults and continue to improve upon them. I am proud of you.

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    1. Hello Sui ;)

      I'm glad you're back *hugs* .. we are only human and I think I have been focused more on my past hurts in life..it is hard but I'm starting to see my real worth and not to just please everyone or to get their approval just to feel I am important..it will still start with me knowing I am of value..thank you Sui ;)

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  15. Dearest Sie.
    This is a very touching post that brought tears to my eyes... But it also made me smile at the end, because I see how your experiences have also given you strength <3 God does indeed love you and can help you heal.
    I'm sending you much love and hugs and you are in my prayers.

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    1. Hello Ms.Rose Water ;)

      you actually felt what I am feeling right now..the past few weeks have been so heavy but I am holding on for my kids..it is so hard being a single Mom with my mind and emotions still at blur..I don't know where will my life and my kids be Ms.Rose Water..for now all I can do is hope, ask God's help, do things that I can think would be ok for my kids and wait for God's perfect timing to take place..I also don't want to hurry up things..thank you so much Ms.Rose Water *hugs* ;)

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